Interviews

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Interview with Deansplanet.com

Jeremy the Loner: So, when exactly did you first start making prank calls?

Johnny Brennan: It goes way, way back. To the '70's.

JTL: How did you end up meeting Kamal?

Johnny Brennan: Well, when we were kids, he lived down the block.

JTL: You're a little older than he is, aren't you?

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, Kamal was like a man child. I think he's like six or seven years younger than me.

JTL: So when did you guys first start recording your calls?

Johnny Brennan: Like I said, I started long before any of the Jerky Boys stuff. I was recording calls a long time ago.

JTL: Was it kind of like the Tube Bar tapes, where you guys were big on the bootleg market before you even knew you had a following?

Johnny Brennan: No, actually The Jerky Boys started long before the Tube Bar tapes. As a matter of fact, what happened was Howard Stern somehow had gotten one tape where everything was lumped into a bundle, and Howard used to love listening to Frank Rizzo and all of that. Then, one day I guess they were playing all this stuff and people were telling me, "Hey, you gotta hear Stern. I'm telling ya, he's playing your tapes," and that's when I had to, you know, come out of the woodwork and say, "Hey, that's me doing that stuff."

JTL: Is that pretty much how you guys got your commercial release? Because it was, what, on Detonator Records back in '93?

Johnny Brennan: Uh, Detonator? There was no Detonator then. From what I understand, The Jerky Boys spawned all these record labels.

JTL: So what was the deal with The Musacha Tapes? Because I'd heard one interview where those guys were supposedly friends of yours, and then I heard another where you were suing them...

Johnny Brennan: (Sighs) The truth about all this is that it's really, really old news and it's, like, so far removed from anything that's going on today. The truth of it is he's a good buddy of mine, the Musacha guy. We're childhood friends, and still to this day we're friends.

JTL: Hey, that's cool. I'm not trying to...

Johnny Brennan: Listen, you gotta understand. There's millions of stories circulating, you know what I mean? Lots of people really took The Jerky Boys, they loved The Jerky Boys and they loved the characters. It's always been character driven. And most people will tell you, they know someone like Frank Rizzo, they know somebody like Sol. They go crazy for the characters. So, with that being said, I've had every Tom, Dick and Harry for the last fifteen, twenty years just coming up with all kinds of stories about this and that. You know, there were stories that I was locked up for years over doing Frank Rizzo, and I mean... there's so many stories, I can't even begin to tell you.

JTL: Well, that was thing. When you guys first started out, you kept your identities secret. Nobody even knew what you looked like.

Johnny Brennan: There was a reason for that. That was because of the deal with Disney Pictures.

JTL: Tell us a bit about the new CD. It's been a while since you released something with all new material, isn't that right?

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, what's going on with the new CD is this; right after I finished the movie Big Money Hustlas, my dad passed away. This was in 2000. And then right after that, we had 9/11, so I kinda wasn't really in the mood to just get back down to being funny. You know what I'm saying? That's neither here nor there, it's just where I was at. So, a couple of years ago I got involved with this company doing personal stuff for fans on their cell phones. People can call them what they want, like prank calls, but they weren't really that. They were little snippets. They were Jerky Boys snippets. You know, like little quick things that Sol does, or Frank, and all the different characters. I'd do little things people could put on their computers, their phones and all different kinds of applications. So I put, like, 89 or 90 of those on this new record that they can use for home answering devices, computers, cell phones, ring tones... and there's also nine calls.

JTL: Is it just you on the new CD? Is there anyone else, or is Johnny Brennan The Jerky Boys now?

Johnny Brennan: That's the way it's been, dude. The way it's been for a long time.

JTL: Yeah, we're talking back to, what, the late '90's?

Johnny Brennan: We're talking about going back a long ways. You have to remember something, though. The material was already pretty much laid down anyhow. All the characters were named and pretty much given by me. It's what it is, and what's it's always been. This is my kind of way of getting back in. You know, I've gotten so many e-mails, man, you wouldn't believe it. Just fan mail and stuff on the Jerky Boys website, from people who couldn't get their hands on, uh... well, their phone carriers didn't carry my stuff. And meanwhile, it's the number one downloaded comedy stuff in the country for phones, ring tones and all that. So, what I did is I put this CD together, and it's got almost a hundred cuts for under nine bucks.

JTL: You know, for a lot of years, fans like me didn't know what exactly happened to you guys. The last CD I really remember seeing was Stop Staring At Me!

Johnny Brennan: No, no, the last CD was The Jerky Tapes.

JTL: Yeah, but that was older material, wasn't it?

Johnny Brennan: No, The Jerky Tapes is not old at all. As a matter of fact, some of that material was done just before the release of the CD.

JTL: So what can people expect from the latest CD as far as the characters and all that? I know you can't say a WHOLE lot about it, but...

Johnny Brennan: Nah, what do you want to know? Like I said, it's got so much shit on there, almost a hundred cuts. When you hear it, you'll see. There's a lot of really cool stuff on there. There's little mini movies of Sol, and I got a couple of pictures with Pico and Rizzo and a couple of different things where they're going at it. You'll like it, it's cool. I've got another CD too. It's getting me going, getting me rocking again, because I'm working on another one coming out in late summer.

JTL: Are you still doing your gig on The Family Guy?

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, uh-huh.

JTL: Has that helped expand your audience? You know, like my brother was never really into The Jerky Boys, but he's a huge Family Guy fan. Is it cool having that separate fan base?

Johnny Brennan: The creator of The Family Guy, you know, Seth MacFarlane?

JTL: Yeah.

Johnny Brennan: He's a huge fan of mine. He told me, "Johnny, I love your stuff." When he was a little kid, he used to listen to my stuff all the time. He loved it, he was a big fan.

JTL: So is it true that Mort Goldman is a cousin of Sol Rosenberg?

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, that's Sol's long lost cousin.

JTL: I don't want to talk too much about this, but are you and Kamal cool with each other? I know you're not together, but do you still talk to him? You read the Dean's Planet interview he did, and there seems to be some bad blood there...

Johnny Brennan: No, you know, whatever happens... I can't explain. I don't know why, I don't know the reasons. I'm at a loss for it myself, to be quite honest with you. Right around the time when I finished that movie in 2000, it's like all this weird stuff started going down. Friends would call me up and say, "Dude, he's on the radio, he's saying all kinds of crap," and I was like, you know what? Right now, man, with all this crap going on in my life, I don't have the time to try and and figure this out, or be brawling with somebody. You know, what am I gonna do? He's a grown man, let him say and do whatever the hell he wants. What can I do? I can't control him. There's some things in life you can control, and some you can't.

JTL: But as far as you're concerned, you don't have any fight with him.

Johnny Brennan: Man, I'll be honest, I have no beef. I never did. I don't even know what the hell happened, to be quite honest. I just know that one day he handed a note to the manager, and the manager said to me, "Johnny, he just handed me this note that said he didn't want to do this, or be a part of it anymore." And I said, "What the hell do you want me to do? What can I tell you? What can I do?" You know, I don't how to react to that. What am I supposed to say? I did say, "Look, dude, you've got millions of fans. You know, what's the point?" Maybe he just felt like he wasn't appreciated enough, or fans sometimes really didn't know who he was. They would ask, "Who's this guy?" when we'd do record signings and whatnot. You know, they'd say, "What do you do? What characters do you do?" He used to flip out. He used to flip his lid, man. He used to get really angry. And what am I supposed to do, you know?

JTL: But you guys both had some notoriety. I mean, you did the movie, for one thing.

Johnny Brennan: It is what it is. If you sell millions and millions of records around the world, that's notoriety.

JTL: That's what I mean. You went from complete anonymity to being really well known. I'm sure that at its peak you'd try to do a call and the person would know who you were. Did it get to the point where it became difficult to do what you did?

Johnny Brennan: Well, that's another reason why it's extremely difficult for me today. It's really, really hard. Don't forget, there's still plenty of people out there to get, but trust me, it's really hard for me today. Because everybody is so aware. Today, everybody's kind of on the edge of their seat, thinking that somebody's gonna be fucking with them.

JTL: That first album became part of pop culture. I'd say it was the most influential comedy record of the '90's.

Johnny Brennan: Well, it goes without being said. I mean, without tooting your own horn or anything, it's probably one of the greatest comedy albums ever. It's the only comedy record to ever hit number one on Billboard Magazine. That had never been done before. It's got so many records, it's just unbelievable.

JTL: It fuckin' went platinum, didn't it?

Johnny Brennan: Oh, it's more than that. Now the first two are, I think, double or triple platinum.

JTL: Yeah, after that first one, every time you guys came out with a new record I'd be there opening day to get it. It would be like a tradition, where I'd sit down with a six pack and listen to the new Jerky Boys record.

Johnny Brennan: With the second one... well, when that first one came out, everybody was like, "Oh my god, there's no way that they're gonna top that first CD." Sure enough, the second one came out and the friggin' thing sold something like 750,000 units in, like, six days.

JTL: Great choice, opening the record with Pablo Honey.

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, you know, there's a funny little story...

JTL: (stupidly interrupting) Who the hell is on that call, anyway? You or Kamal? I always wondered.

Johnny Brennan: That's me. Like I said, all the characters, from Curly G to Tarbash, came from me. Tarbash was my brother's name from when we used to have a roofing company. My brother Andy, that was his nickname. So that's how I named the Indian character Tarbash.

JTL: What about Frank Rizzo? Was he based on mobsters and all that?

Johnny Brennan: No. Frank Rizzo, that character is modeled on my dad.

JTL: That's the character that people think of when you talk about The Jerky Boys.

Johnny Brennan: Oh yeah, absolutely.

JTL: Mention the name and people immediately go into a bad "Hey Jerky" Frank Rizzo impression. Well, both him and Sol Rosenberg.

Johnny Brennan: Actually, you know, the one who does the best Sol I ever heard is Anthony, from the Opie & Anthony show.

JTL: (laughs) Oh, yeah?

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, he does a killer Sol, man. Not very many people can do that. A lot of people try to do a whiny, nasally kind of thing, but he gets it dead on.

JTL: It sounded like a Woody Allen type voice initially. Was he based on that at all?

Johnny Brennan: This is funny enough, actually, but Sol is modeled after my mom and my uncle. And the uncle I'm talking about is the one where the character Kissel is from. That same guy. I took a little bit of his features and his, you know, where he goes (Sol Rosenberg's voice), "Thank you. Thank you very much." That comes from my uncle, who Kissel's voice is modeled after, and that's the old guy who's like (Kissel's voice), "Whaa? What the fuck are ya doin'?"

JTL: (laughs) So do YOU do Kissel now, or is that voice retired?

Johnny Brennan: Kissel? I don't even want to do that name, because when we did the character, I let Kamal do Kissel, you know. But these were old family members of mine.

JTL: The character started off as "Puma" on the Uncle Freddie track. That was the first appearance of the character, right?

Johnny Brennan: Right.

JTL: So that voice was always based on your uncle, and Kamal didn't even create it?

Johnny Brennan: No, no, that's my uncle. He was named Vince DeGotta, and he died in 1998. He was a wonderful guy. He was the funniest fucker you ever saw. That guy could make you piss your pants laughing. I always used to go around doing his voice and, you know, Kamal used to do it really well. It was like, "Yeah, man, knock yourself out," so that's how that came about.

JTL: (doing a very passable Kissel) "Yeah, I needed to get a hairpiece, but I don't need you talkin' to the guy."

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, a fuckin' hairpiece. For that little Mexican.

JTL: What happened with some of those characters you guys did that only appeared one time, like Rosine, or...

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, Rosine, I do Rosine now. I get so many people hitting my website, and they're fuckin' like, "Johnny, you gotta do this." I gotta tell you, man, I get the coolest fuckin' e-mail coming in, and fan mail. It's really neat the way people are saying, "Johnny, we really missed you, man. Welcome back." And the funny thing is, I never really went anywhere. I was just doing cartoon work for The Family Guy, and some other cartoon projects. But it's so neat to see the stuff coming in. Even the military, man. I've got so much shit coming in from the military, from Iraq.

JTL: Yeah.

Johnny Brennan: It's fuckin' insane. I can't even tell you how awesome these people have been.

JTL: So then, some of those more obscure characters like Pico, Rosine, Bob The Badass Massage Guy... will they be coming back?

Johnny Brennan: Absolutely. They're all coming back. Like I said, that album will definitely be coming out. I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed and hopefully have that ready by late summer.

JTL: Beyond that, do you plan on keeping this going? Will there be even more albums?

Johnny Brennan: Well, here's the deal. If I could show you some of the e-mails, you'd see it for yourself. There's a lot of people where things have happened, or are happening in their lives... they're fucked up, or hurt, or they got hurt, they're poor, or they have some disease they're living through... and you get an e-mail where people say, "Johnny, please don't ever stop, man. That laughter gets me through another day." That's fuckin' powerful shit. You know what I'm saying?

JTL: Yeah.

Johnny Brennan: You know, if you can make people laugh, you've got something. Even if your albums don't hit number one, there's plenty of people out there who really need the stuff. Laughter is the best medicine, man. You see all this shit out. You see how they do studies for lowering blood pressure and everything using laughter.

JTL: Any chance of you ever appearing on Crank Yankers? It seems like everybody else is on it.

Johnny Brennan: Years ago when they started that show, it was actually Jimmy Kimmel. I don't know who the hell is doing it now, really. But I'll tell you the truth, this year we almost had a deal where they were gonna do eight to ten Jerky Boys episodes.

JTL: With the classic stuff, or newer stuff?

Johnny Brennan: Well, they wanted to do classic stuff and see what they could put together. And they were very excited, but all those old record companies, you know, kinda fucked things up at that point.

JTL: So did you ever think about taking your act on the road? Like on stage, or whatever?

Johnny Brennan: You know what, to tell you the truth, I wouldn't know what the fuck to do. I mean, it's kinda silly. What I do is all about the characters. A lot of fans are going back and forth about seeing the characters interacting with each other, like from cartoons.

JTL: Is there talk about turning the characters into a cartoon, like on Cartoon Network or Comedy Central?

Johnny Brennan: We're working on projects right now. Storyboards and things like that. We're putting some guys together, so we'll see what happens.
JTL: Can we assume this cartoon would be more of an, shall we say, "adult" nature?

Johnny Brennan: It'll be cutting edge. You know, today you can do so much. You've seen some of the cartoons out there... kids can't watch them.

JTL: Like South Park, maybe some episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force...

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, yeah, like you could say Family Guy. I mean, come on, Family Guy is funny stuff, man. Too many kids were watching it. They're under 13. You say, "Oh, I don't know about that," but there's plenty of them watching.

JTL: Yeah, you have a point. They get away with a lot of shit on that show.

Johnny Brennan: Right.

JTL: Plus, you're talking prime time on one of the major networks.

Johnny Brennan: Exactly.

JTL: Listen, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. But before I let you go, can I ask you one thing?

Johnny Brennan: Sure.

JTL: Could I be so honored to have Frank Rizzo cuss me out on the phone?

Johnny Brennan: What do you need, a line? A tag?

JTL: No tag or anything. Just to hear you doing the voice would be so fucking awesome.

Johnny Brennan: (as Frank Rizzo) Hey, what do ya say there, you slap happy prick?? It's Frank Rizzo! Open yer fuckin' ears, jackass!

JTL: (laughing) That's awesome, man, thanks.

Johnny Brennan: Absolutely, man, I appreciate it. And if you could, please do a big shout out to the fans.

JTL: Definitely. What would you want to say to your fans?

Johnny Brennan: The fans have always been fuckin' top shelf, man. The fans have always been behind the Jerky Boys projects, so just a big shout out to the fans. And if you could, this would be really important to me; a big, big hello to all the young men and women in Iraq serving the country.

JTL: All right, man, will do. Thanks a lot, Johnny. It's been really fuckin' fun.

Johnny Brennan: Thanks, I appreciate that.

JTL: Thanks again to Johnny Brennan for doing the interview, and also a BIG thank you to his site administrator Bob for setting the whole thing up. He's a really, really cool guy. Don't forget to check out the new Jerky Boys release, Sol's Rusty Trombone, which will be available on March 20th. Go out there and buy it, ya fuckin' fruity ass bastards!

Interview with Johnny in Planet Magazine from 1995

Deuce of Clubs: I was surprised to see that you had a real movie coming out; I'm glad it's not going to be just a bunch of stills, like that Red video. Did you see that thing?

Johnny Brennan: No I didn't.

I wouldn't bother spending the dollar to rent it.

Johnny Brennan: Really? I didn't even see it—what is it?

They got Lawrence Tierney, that old B-movie actor —

Johnny Brennan: Yeah...

—and they got him to pose for a bunch of still photos as "Red."

Johnny Brennan: Oh God!

And then they just played the tapes.

Johnny Brennan: That's pathetic.

That's Christian Gore for you. So Lawrence Tierney's not in your film, eh?

Johnny Brennan: Oh man, no!

How did Emilio Estevez and Tony Danza [executive producers of The Jerky Boys] get involved?

Johnny Brennan: They're the guys that stepped up and—actually it was Tony Danza, he stepped up to the plate and flew us out to L.A. So he's the one responsible for bringing us out there.

So he just happened to have heard these tapes....

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, like everybody else. Him, Joe Roth, Emilio Estevez, everybody. Everybody.

How did you end up getting on Space Ghost ?

Johnny Brennan: Oh, Space Ghost, he's a good friend of ours, we go way back. Yeah, Space Ghost, we did a lot of work with Space Ghost back in the seventies, and he just asked if we'd be guests on his show, do him a favor, see if we could raise his ratings.

Do you know Evan Dorkan?

Johnny Brennan: No. I only know Space Ghost.

And the Jon Stewart Show —

Johnny Brennan: Nah, that was just a, like a silly little gig, you know? Just something that came up.

When you contacted your victims to get releases, what kind of reactions did you get?

Johnny Brennan: Ah, you know, this and that, little bit of this and that.

Anybody angry?

Johnny Brennan: Oh sure, of course.

Did anyone refuse to sign?

Johnny Brennan: Actually, yeah, a few people did. But after, like, thinking about it for a while, they all said, "Hey, what the hell, man." And a lot of other people helped talk 'em into it, too.

Did you have to play some of the excerpts to refresh their memory?

Johnny Brennan: We had to play them the actual call. You know, they have to hear the call so they can scrutinize [it].

How hard was that?

Johnny Brennan: It was kinda—see, we're not there for that process of it. Kamal and I, we'll make the phone calls and what we'll do then is give them to our manager. The manager has all the addresses and phone numbers, and then he'll go out with the lawyers, and they go out and see if they can work out some kind of deal.

Were there calls you couldn't remember? Or did you write them down as you were doing them?

Johnny Brennan: No, no, no, no, no. We gotta make that clear: the calls are done totally off the cuff.

So then were there cases where you couldn't remember who it was you'd called?

Johnny Brennan: Oh! I know what you're saying. For the releases?

Yeah.

Johnny Brennan: No, no, no, no. What we do is, we see something—you know, let's say for instance it's a paint job—and we just write down the number, the address if there is one, and then we have the manager and the lawyers track 'em down.

But not when you were first doing it, though.

Johnny Brennan: Oh, no, no, no. When we first did it—we had a few problems there.

Okay. That's what I meant. I was wondering if it was hard to remember some of the —

Johnny Brennan: Yeah, the first time around we had a few problems. Little something we don't wanna...you know...we don't wanna make a big deal about....

Do you have any ground rules for the calls? Is there anything you absolutely wouldn't do?

Johnny Brennan: No, there's no real ground rules, except things that we don't...you know, in good conscience we try to stay away from, you know, wackin' on, like, actual police phone calls, or emergency room phone calls, and things like that. When you hear the "Firecracker Mishap," with the hands being blown off, on the first album, that was a medical office. But it sounds enough like an emergency room so it's...you know. We're not into, like, jeopardizing people's lives, or hurting or doing something that could really get somebody fucked up or hurt.

Other than your own calls, what are your favorite taped prank phone calls.

Johnny Brennan: There is no such thing. I don't, I don't....

You don't have any other favorites?

Johnny Brennan: I have abso —
See, you gotta understand something: when we did this, it was done off the cuff. We had no idea that there was such a thing...actually, we were the first, like, modern-day ...we did this thing back in '86. Then we found out that the "Red" tapes were done back in 70-something, but we had no prior knowledge of that. We just thought that it was...it was...you know, we just thought we were the...and that's why our, if you listen to our tapes, it's so original.

I understand, but I'm saying now —obviously, you've heard others now, right?

Johnny Brennan: Absolutely, I tell you the truth, honest to God, people come to us all the time with tapes. The record label gets 200 tapes a month on average. And they listen to every single one.

But do you have any favorites among the ones that circulate —

Johnny Brennan: We don't listen to any of them.

You don't?

Johnny Brennan: Not a single one.

You're kind of —

Johnny Brennan: Look, you'd be surprised, but we don't have time to listen to our own material, let alone other people.

You think anybody could have got a release from Red?

Johnny Brennan: I have no idea, man. I heard he's dead.

I know he is now , but I mean while he was still alive.... Are people sending tapes to the record company in hopes of getting a deal similar to yours, you think?

Johnny Brennan: Oh, of course! I mean, let me just, I'll give you an example: both of our albums are platinum, we got a movie soundtrack now, the first album's been on the charts over two years, the second album went gold in eight days. I mean, we're successful. I mean, whatever we're doing, we're doing right, and there's gonna be people, they're gonna think that they can do the same thing. You know, that's life, man. That's great. That's life.

Let me ask you about "Brett Weir"—is this going to be explained in the movie? Is this a friend of yours?

Johnny Brennan: Actually, yes, there is a Brett Weir in the movie.

So this is a friend of yours who's in the movie with you?

Johnny Brennan: Right. Brett Weir is a cute little guy. And he's in the movie.

I was watching Larry King a few years ago and a caller identified himself as Brett Weir.

Johnny Brennan: Yeah.

They ended up cutting him off. Was that you guys?

Johnny Brennan: Well...let's just say...um....

No comment?

Johnny Brennan: Yeah.

All right.

Johnny Brennan: We wouldn't have got hung up on. You know what I think it was, I think it was really Brett.

Do you get a lot of people saying to you, "Listen, if I give you the number of a friend of mine, will you call him for me?"

Johnny Brennan: Yeah!

Do you ever do it?

Johnny Brennan: No. You see, again, we don't—people think that we sit down every day and do these calls. We don't do that. We might sit down once every eight months and get ten calls.

Have you had other offers to perform, or maybe write comedy?

Johnny Brennan: Yeah. A lot of people. A lot of people want us to write TV shows, and we're being approached now for merchandise—not merchandise—whaddya call it? Endorsements. Beer commercials, this, that, you know.

Are you considering any of them?

Johnny Brennan: Well, right now we're just too busy trying to hustle our own stuff here, you know what I'm saying? That's what I mean, when you're asking me if I listen to stuff; I don't even listen to music. I mean, we're so busy. We don't have time to do shit, really, any more.

Do you ever read the Jerky Boys Usenet group on the Internet?

Johnny Brennan: The what?

The Jerky Boys—there's a Usenet group on the Internet.

Johnny Brennan: No.

Were you aware of that?

Johnny Brennan: And they're calling themselves the Jerky Boys?

No, no—it's just a group of people who sit around and talk about you guys.

Johnny Brennan: Oh, really?!

Yeah. You haven't seen that?

Johnny Brennan: No! On the...U-Net?

On the Internet.

Johnny Brennan: On the In-ter-net.

If you have a friend who has an account, it's —

Johnny Brennan: A Jerky Boys thing, and everyone calls in and discusses us?

Yeah.

Johnny Brennan: And then what do they do, they sit and discuss?

Well, you know, there's a lot less discussion than there is just sort of, "Hey Jerky!" and "Listen Jerky!"—you know.

Johnny Brennan: So what, do they have coffee, and...yeah.
Okay, Doc, I'm gettin' these guys, I, you know, they're puttin' me in a strange position here, they're givin' me the high sign, so... if you want, just ask me a coupla more important whatever you wanna get to & I'll try to bang 'em out to you quick.

All right, one last question, then.

Johnny Brennan: G'head.

What does Kamal call Hillary Clinton in private?

Johnny Brennan: Oh. Man. I don't know if...

Just whisper it to me.

Johnny Brennan: Uh...really? Okay. "Baloney tits."

Interview with HipHopOnline in 1999

“Hello?” rang one of the twos voices in a very feminine pitch.

“Can you hear me?” asked Kamal.

“Yeah” I replied. “Can you hear me?”

“I don’t hear you that well,” Kamal began tossing me around.

“Is it good now?” I continued.

“Yeah, I can hear you now. John is on the other line too,” Kamal noted.

I began, or attempted to begin, my interview. John sat hiding in the background repeating “hello?” in a voice that sounded like that phobic Sol Rosenberg. And he began to ask, “Is my father there?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I had a live version of the Jerky Boys, only now I was wondering if I would end up on their sixth album.

o are you guys excited about the new album?

Kamal: Yeah, very excited. This is the fifth one. It’s like more than four and less than six. What do you think of it?

I think it’s hilarious.

Kamal: Why don’t you like it?

I said it’s hilarious.

Kamal: Oh. I thought you said ‘to buy it you’d have to be delirious.’

Okay, Kamal was reaching on that joke attempt, but John kept cracking me up in the background. It was becoming impossible to react to the two of them taking me from both sides. I pushed on.

John: (in character, talking like an old New Yorker with a load in his mouth) Oh boy. Oh Christ. I don’t hear anybody on the line.

Kamal: So are you from Chicago?

No, Buffalo.

Kamal: Really? I hung out with [former Buffalo Bills Quarterback] Jim Kelly.

In Buffalo?

Kamal: No, at the China Club in Manhattan.

Was he cool?

John began with a voice that sounded like a mix between a female hairdresser and a guy trying to act like a stereotypical hairdresser. “Hello?” he kept asking. I ignored it. I only had so long to talk. No matter how bad I wanted to laugh, I had to stay composed.

Kamal: He was great. He had big man handling hands.

So, okay, when did you guys first start making your calls?

Kamal: I’d say, shit, early ’70’s.

When you were kids?

Kamal: Well, actually John is in his forties and I’m in my early forties. He’s like in his late forties. So we’ve been doing this for a long time.

Were you doing it as kids and shit, just messing around?

Kamal: Please, you’ve got to watch the language man. I’m a heavy religious person here. [pauses] No, I’m just kidding. No, we never did it as kids. Around 1988 is when we started. We are really just in our thirties.

John: (as Jack Tors) I hearda dat shit and I lika dat shit. I laughed and shit.

So what does your family think about your careers?

Kamal: My father still doesn’t understand what it means. He’s a foreign type. He’s from Bangladesh, ya know? My mother sort of understands. She is from Trinidad. John’s family is from Ireland and they find it a little funny.

Have you ever tried any of your characters out on them?

Kamal: Actually, my family couldn’t give two fucks about this. They really don’t find it that funny.

Just as Kamal says that, John breaks out with a huge belly laugh that almost makes me lose my composure.

Kamal: My father is a scumbag.

John: He threw hot grease all over his dick.

Kamal: Yeah, my father used to throw hot Greeks all over my dick.

John: (in yet another voice that sounded like some cat from the Bronx who tells you to get the hell out of his way when you pull in front of him on the street) That guy threw hot grease on my balls.

Kamal: So what do you do up in Buffalo in the winter?

Not much to do really.

John finally breaks out of character and acts as himself. At least I think he was.

John: Ever eat at the Hilton?

No.

John: And you are from Buffalo?

Well, I never had to stay at the Hilton in Buffalo.

Kamal started asking about our minor league baseball team and about the Sabres.

John: So how is Jim Kelly? Is he still the big man in town?

Sort of.

Kamal: Those football players are huge.

I know. I’ve seen them at a couple of parties.

Kamal began to talk about the Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas and how unimpressed he was with his size compared to Johnny.

Kamal: He looked no different than Johnny over here. Don’t kid yourself, John is built like a brick shithouse. He is 5′7 and he is in his mid-twos and he is as solid as a rock. The guy has a [Hall Of Fame Baseball Player] Hack Wilson build and like [ex-Baseball player] Kirby Puckett. He’s built like a power lifter.

John: Do you think I’m fat?

I don’t have a picture.

John: [talking to his manager in the room] This guy, Harry, he saw my picture, right?

Kamal: It’s Charlie.

John: Oh, sorry Charlie. Listen. Charlie, you saw pictures of me, right?

They never sent any. They sent cartoon pictures.

Kamal: Did you see the new pictures where he has a cock?

John: You don’t think I’m a fat fuck, do you, Charlie?

Well, I don’t know. No.

Kamal: Hey John, look outside. It’s snowing.

John continued questioning me about his girth while Kamal continued on about the snow and hailstorm that was taking place outside of the office. They were perfectly executing their Abbott and Costello routine on me. Ever hear ‘Who’s On First?’

It’s snowing?

Kamal: Well, it’s hotter than a heat house and when we were outside walking around a tornado formulated out of God’s will and it took a few people. And a few hotels flew up in the air. A fucking crane went through this guy’s cock. They called him ‘crane cock.’

John: It was wild. It is wild.

John asked the question that I concerned myself with that morning, “Hey Charlie, did you see the movie?” I knew I should have rented it the weekend before. I saw it a long time ago when it first came out, but by now it was an afterthought.

I was going to get it this weekend because I knew you’d ask, but I actually don’t remember it that well because I saw it at a party.

John: The movie is great. You also have to check out this other video called Don’t Hang Up, Tough Guy.

I saw your web site advertising it.

John: It’s a platinum selling video.

Kamal: What do you mean you saw it on the flight?

No. On your web site.

John: Yeah, on the web site.

Kamal: Oh.

I was playing battleship on it too.

Kamal: Battleship?

John: Against who?

I played all three characters: Jack Tors, Sol, and Frank Rizzo. I only won once. I must suck at it.

John: Are you serious?

Kamal: We have battleship on there? I don’t even have a computer. Listen. I ‘m serious. I spent all my money on swampland in Florida and some pyramid scheme.

I had to rudely interrupt this chaos to get on with the interview, no matter how much fun I was having.

So what would you say the good elements to a prank call are?

John: To be honest (pauses and starts to sound serious), you’ve got to really think with your dick.

Kamal: Yeah, and a nice bottle of fucking rum. And that’s the truth.

John screams, “Oh shit!” Then he screams to Kamal, “Did you just see that lightning? It just struck the towers! I swear to God. It just hit that building, the Sears Tower or whatever the fuck they call that thing. Harry, I swear a lightning bolt just hit it. Holy shit.”

Kamal: Did you ever hear of the Hancock Building? Do you know how he got that name, Hancock? Because he always had his cock in his hand back during the revolutionary war days.

John: I got hit in the dick one time with a softball.

Did you have to go to the hospital?

John: It didn’t hurt because it was soft. I got kind of lucky.

I began to get the feeling I was going nowhere. I figured by now even if I had no story I’d still get some life experience out of this most bizarre phone interview. But I still threw the questions at them and prepared for more curveballs.

Do you ever screw up when you do calls?

Kamal: I’ll be honest. I laugh. He keeps a straight face. I don’t know how.

John: I don’t laugh. When I’m in character I don’t break down.

Kamal: (interrupts John and begins to talk super loud) On occasion you’ll hear him laugh, but only at the end of a call. If you ever hear anyone laughing during a call, it is always me. Sometimes I can’t hold it in. Sometimes I shit on myself.

John: You’ve got to get tape number three.

Kamal: Number three has a skit called “Stop That” and I laugh and the guy laughs, but we keep it in because everyone that would hear it would laugh at the fact that I laugh and the guy laughed.

John: It was actually quite contagious.

I read that you only use ninety percent of the calls you make. What happens with the other ten percent?

Kamal: Ninety percent? What is that?

John: In our bio? Ninety percent, what they mean with that is that we use everything we do. Some people, like djs have these people who make thousands of calls and they will pick the best. But with us we will sit around and make like twenty calls and use nineteen or eighteen of the calls.

So do you have to call the people back?

Kamal: Yeah. We have to call them back to get releases. We send this guy over to their place and he says, ‘We’ll get either your signature or your brains.’

John: Charlie, the kids go nuts for this shit.

What about caller ID?

Kamal: Well, we only call businesses. And businesses don’t have caller ID. That is something that people have to remember. We call businesses, not people’s homes.

Do people ever bitch at you when you call them back to get a release?

Kamal: Yeah, sometimes. But you have to look at it this way; it’s free advertisement for them. Charlie, are you on the ball with this? You are really irritating. [pauses] No, I’m just kidding.

John: Hey Charlie, we are coming to Buffalo to do morning tv.

Really?

John: Yeah. Why don’t you look us up when we get there? The Anchor Bar.

Yeah, the Anchor Bar is great. They claim to have created the Buffalo Wings. So who are your favorite characters to play?

John: I like Buffalo Bob. Ya know, Big Ole Bad Ass Bob, the cattle rustler. And I like the Indian character that I do. (begins to scream out some crazy sound effects) I love that shit.

What about the enhanced cd? Did you guys help in the creation of that?

John: (talking to his manager) He says there is an enhanced cd. Are you serious? (asks me) Charlie, are you kidding me?

I didn’t have the chance to see it since they didn’t send it to me. I guess it wasn’t on the advances, but that is what they tell me.

John: Charlie. Seriously. You’ve got to put on the internet there that people have got to check out Jerky Boys three. It’s a great album. We have ten new characters on three.

Kamal: A lot of critics are considering our new album the best one since we put out the White Album.

[laughing] Well, I’ll tell them. But I think the fifth album is funny as hell.

John: Tell them the fifth album rocks.

I know. I had to take an hour trip last weekend to a show and I took Stop Staring At Me and it kept me up for the drive home.

John: Cool. So you can say this album rocks, you can say that on the net, but seriously check out number three.

Do what the man says and check out number three; it’s certainly worth it. Although I never did get chicken wings or get to hang with the Jerky Boys, I won’t soon forget the lesson they gave me in keeping your composure. Never did they laugh while in character, but they didn’t laugh at my jokes either. Think I’ll keep my day job. And by the way, if you want to lose your ass at battleship, drop by the Jerky Boys official site at www.thejerkyboys.com